Adam Miller and Family

Jamie and I came back from our first counseli...

September 24, 2009 by Adam in Adam

Jamie and I came back from our first counseling session and I'm feeling a little sad and nostalgic. We've both come to the conclusion that our marriage is over. It's still been less than a month for me, so it all seems like a huge whirlwind with barely time to adjust. I remember planning our future together, blissfully happy and feeling like such a lucky man to have so wonderful a family.

Now I'm ordering books on divorce that our counselor recommended. Jamie and I are having tension over the kids and possible future living arrangements. For now, I feel like I'm still stuck in a limbo of sorts. It's uncomfortable, but I realize that none of this will be resolved quickly.

There are bright spots here and there. Jamie's job prospects look reasonably good and she's getting organized to rejoin the workforce. Don't tell Emma, but she's getting an award at school tomorrow. I've assembled a veritable army of friends out of coworkers, old friends, gym buddies, and the occasional passer-by.

With every ending, there is a new beginning. Though Jamie and I have serious issues to work through, I hope we can be cordial about it. I want the kids to know that we both love them and they'll be okay in the future.

Time will tell.

Occasionally my work gets a little bit of loc...

September 16, 2009 by Adam in Adam

Occasionally my work gets a little bit of local press. The Register Guard reported on an application I wrote that shows what the current wait time is for the ED. Theoretically if someone had to decide which hospital to go to in an emergency, they could check my little web application.

To answer Sadie, I did a quick listen to both...

September 16, 2009 by Adam in Adam

To answer Sadie, I did a quick listen to both of her CD mixes. I cried on the way to work while listening to Sadie's. While driving home, I listened to Greg's and perked right up. "Fett's Vette" in particular really hit the spot.

Jamie and I were scheduled to have our first counseling session today. It went about as bad as humanly possible. Our counselor never showed, so Jamie and I went for a walk. Jamie emphasized once again that she doesn't want to be married and started talking about separation. That gets right to my deepest fears about having my kids taken away from me, so I ended up crying a lot. I'll see if I can find a new counselor tomorrow.

I can't believe it's only been three weeks and my entire life has changed.

Sadie sent along a care package, filled with ...

September 15, 2009 by Adam in Adam

Sadie sent along a care package, filled with wonderful trinkets and talismans: an old skeleton key, a small compass, and an iron nail. I read the book If You're Afraid of the Dark, Remember the Night Rainbow to Emma last night. While she did homework, I started cutting out the game pieces to the board game she sent. This morning I began getting the sourdough starter ready. Finally, there are two CDs that I'm bringing in the car today.

It was all very wonderful.

Jamie and I have our first counseling session together today. I do hope that Jamie isn't entirely decided about our future together. It's been hard finding time to talk with her, so I'm hopeful I can get a better sense of what's going on.

And like Sadie's book says, if there is no happy ending, make one out of cookie dough.

There's a new movie called "9" that's opening...

September 11, 2009 by Adam in Adam

There's a new movie called "9" that's opening this weekend. It has a post-apocalyptic stitchpunk vibe, with interesting visuals to match. I've heard mixed reviews, but I also hear it looks stunning.

In any case, I signed up for a contest to win a 9 gift package from the SciencePunk blog. It turns out, I won and the mysterious package should arrive next week.

I had to call up Sam and tell him the good news. Emma gave me a panda for luck a couple weeks ago and I told Sam that maybe it was starting to work. He agreed and went to tell Emma after hanging up.

I'm slowly figuring out my new cell phone, en...

September 06, 2009 by Adam in Adam

I'm slowly figuring out my new cell phone, entering the modern era. The number is 541-912-7415, in case you want to update your address book. It's a "pay as you go" phone, so I get charged for using it. Still, don't let that stop you from calling if you need to get ahold of me and can't find me at home or work.

By now, just about everyone is aware of what'...

September 01, 2009 by Adam in Adam

By now, just about everyone is aware of what's going on between Jamie and I. Even the kids know that something's up, as Jamie's gone most evenings and my mom let slip to Sam that we weren't getting along. I want to talk to Sam soon in more detail, though I put him off last night so I could talk to Jamie first.

This is all new to me. I had a sense that things weren't right about a week ago, ended up confronting Jamie, and she let me know she wasn't very attracted to me and wasn't sure she wanted to stay married. She asked for time and space, which I've been trying to give to her. She's out most evenings while I watch the kids.

If I had to give an extremely simplified version of what happened, my feeling is that we're both overachievers and focused far too hard on being great parents. I stopped being the fun, hang-out-and-do-things Adam that Jamie married. Jamie turned into a stay-at-home mom and every time I came home, wanted to get out of the house. The end result is that we weren't doing much as a couple and Jamie started to feel not very close to me.

I think there were also a lot of transitions happening. The kids are going to school full time soon, the first for Emma. No longer are there little kids in the house. Jamie's turning forty in a couple weeks. My sense is that all those things are bubbling up at once.

When I look back, I remember Jamie leaving hints here and there about wanting to spend more time together. I shifted some things around, but clearly not enough. One of my big frustrations is that it seems like it's too late now and she's not really interested in spending time together. If only I'd known months ago, I'd be happy to reevaluate everything.

It's been a hard week since then, with lots of tears, lack of sleep, and not really eating much. Feeling horrible comes with the territory, and it's usually just best to let it run its course. I've been feeling better lately, though I fully expect to slip back into sadness now and again.

That's in the past, though, and I'm focusing on next steps. I've been pulling together Team Adam, talking with friends and family all around. Odds are, if you're reading this and are in the area, I'm going to invite you to do something soon. Being around people helps immensely. I'm also dusting off the Take Charge Adam. For far too long, I've deferred to Jamie about social events and managing the kids. It feels good to plan things with friends and make decisions. Confidence is my new watchword, even if sometimes I have to fake it a little.

I'm seeing a counselor today, which I'm pretty excited about. Slowly getting there, wherever that may be.

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