Happy Solstice

December 21, 2009 by Adam in Adam

Today marks the beginning of winter solstice, with days growing longer and spring on its way.  We snuck off to the meditation room at 9:47 to mark the occasion and listen to the rain pouring down.  It's been so warm these last few weeks that it already seems spring is right around the corner.

I think I'm ready for Christmas, with all but one present wrapped and under the tree.  The only thing that worries me is that my present for Isa seems to have completely vanished.  It was wrapped, addressed, and ready to go to the post office.  I'm hoping maybe my mom found it and sent it on its way.  Otherwise she might get a New Year's gift or equinox gift if spring cleaning turns it up.

The holidays this year may be a little odd, especially with Jamie and the kids going to Portland on Christmas Day and not returning until Tuesday.  I've grown fond of Jamie's side of the family over the years and it's a little sad that we won't spend much time together.  Dave came over this morning to watch the kids while Jamie's at the beach and I'm at work.  Emma was so excited to see him and I was reminded again at how nice a guy he is.

It will be nice to have a few days to hang out with my own family, work on projects, and spend time with new friends.  Free time is a rare luxury, and I'm mulling over how to spend it.

I Signed My Name Countless Times Yesterday

November 17, 2009 by Adam in Adam

I spent yesterday afternoon writing my name dozens of times, part of the process of getting the house refinanced.  The only thing left is for Jamie to sign the deed in the next couple days.  By the end of the week, the house should be in my name and Jamie should have a big gob of cash to start looking for a new house.

I think everyone's mental health is doing okay.  Emma's on the mend from being sick over the weekend.  She continues to try and figure out how to navigate having separating parents.  Last night she tucked Jamie into bed and read her a story.  I can sense a certain amount of neediness in her, just wanting the reassurance that someone's going to be around.  Sam's more subdued.  I've heard him wonder out loud a few times about what the new house will be like, but that's about it.

Jamie and I remain cordial, which I think is a huge benefit to the kids.  My mom has already assigned Jamie and the kids cooking tasks for Thanksgiving, and I hope she can be there.

The next big change will be when Jamie finds work, and again when she moves out.  I'm not quite sure of the order of those things.  Already I'm trying to figure out options, such as making sure I could pick up the kids from school and work from home in the afternoon.  So much depends on what Jamie's work schedule ends up looking like.

Finances for the upcoming year will be tight but doable, at least on paper.  I'm making lists of furniture I think I'll need to replace and checking in with family to see if they have spare tables, chairs, and couches tucked away somewhere.  After spousal support, child support, and mortgage costs, I think I have $1200 per month for utilities, food, gas, and everything else.  Sadly no Hawaiian vacations seem on the horizon.

Still, I think I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing.  Now I'm off to the gym at work where I hope to run away from my problems on the treadmill.  Strangely I've yet to get anywhere.

I'm sitting in bed this Veteran's day, starin...

November 11, 2009 by Adam in Adam

I'm sitting in bed this Veteran's day, staring out the window as dawn breaks over our quiet neighborhood. Emma will likely wake up soon and we'll start the usual routine of breakfast and getting dressed and playing together. I'm taking the day off and the kids have no school, so I'm predicting a mocha in my future. Life's going to be okay.

I still have moments of sadness that sneak up on me, but in general I think I'm doing relatively well. Little things get to me sometimes, such as when Emma insisted on drawing Jamie and I holding hands. After I pointed out things had changed, she added tears, frowns, and broken hearts. I think the kids have some rough times ahead, so the plan is to just be around them and reassure them they'll be okay.

Today the appraisal comes in, which is the last financial unknown. After that, there are questions about what job Jamie will get, along with where she'll live. Once that gets sorted out, we can start figuring out schedules with the kids. Hopefully we can find something that works for everyone.

As for the rest of my life, it's remarkably full and busy. I'm still working on the compost tumbler and planning a garden for next year. Swing dance lessons go well and I might even try a social dance in a month or so. I think I've stopped dramatically losing weight and continue to lift weights and run regularly. My ankle occasionally bothers me, but seems mostly healed. I've appreciated everyone checking up on me, family and friends.

Emma's up, so the day has begun.

I'm letting myself have a few sad days lately

November 03, 2009 by Adam in Adam

I'm letting myself have a few sad days lately. We had our counseling session on Monday and the counselor said, "I'm not sure why you're getting divorced." Stuff like that makes me crazy and I've spent the last few days pretty weepy. Crying yourself to sleep is only cool in teen romance novels.

I keep trying to get back to the confident and hopeful Adam of last Friday. Unfortunately I seem to be full of regret and second-thoughts. The reality feels that I can't do much about this, so I continue to march ahead with dividing up the finances and getting things ready for Jamie to move out. I think we'll be talking to the kids soon, which breaks my heart just thinking about it.

I'm working on a new version of this site with a new URL. It's not quite ready yet, but has all the new bells and whistles expected in web sites these days.

There's going to be a downtime for the web site this Thursday, as my ISP is switching things around. Hopefully it's not too long.

I hurt my ankle pretty badly on Monday, getti...

October 15, 2009 by Adam in Adam

I hurt my ankle pretty badly on Monday, getting out of an office chair. It was really painful, but I iced it and could generally walk around on it. Things seem to have improved over the last couple days and I no longer favor one foot over the other. I still don't have the range of motion I normally have, but it's on the mend.

Today I used a stair stepper for 20 minutes and then ran for 2 miles without any problems. Afterward in the locker room, I looked at my ankle and was amazed at how badly it had bruised. There's a line above and below the ankle, probably roughly corresponding to attachment points for ligaments. It wasn't my favorite way to learn about human anatomy.

My first gardening class was pretty fun

October 08, 2009 by Adam in Adam

My first gardening class was pretty fun. Getting to LCC was somewhat nostalgic, as the old route came back to me after all those years. The instructor took us out to a student garden and proceeded to point out all the different things you can eat, munching on petals and leaves as we went. I was handed some Calendula seeds, which I stuffed into a folded up piece of paper.

Needless to say, I'm now quite excited about doing some gardening. It sounds like I'll need to talk to an irrigation person as the sprinklers in the back yard are turned off. Next week is garden planning, so I'm not going to actually break any ground yet. The instructor was big on fava beans for a cover crop, so that may be something I grow over the winter.

Well, today is Wednesday, the first of Jamie'...

October 07, 2009 by Adam in Adam

Well, today is Wednesday, the first of Jamie's "mom days" with the kids. After looking at all the things that I could possibly doing, from Lindy Hop classes to sitting in my basement and catching up on my t.v. shows, I opted for an organic gardening class over at LCC. I'm hoping that I can look into building some raised beds and getting a garden started in the back yard. It's also only until the end of the month, so it wasn't a big commitment.

I haven't been to LCC for over twenty years, so I nervously printed out a map. I'm going to swing by home before I go, as I didn't bring both lunch and dinner with me to work. When I left, I wasn't even sure what I was doing tonight. I'm also hoping I can visit my dad, who teaches at a dental clinic there.

We had a productive counseling session this m...

October 06, 2009 by Adam in Adam

We had a productive counseling session this morning. I had one issue that was bothering me, and Jamie graciously has taken steps to alleviate my nervousness. She's also agreed that I'll stay in the house. Some issues are financial, but others are so that the kids have added stability in their lives. I very much appreciate her willingness to do so.

We've also taken steps to set up "mom time" and "dad time". Jamie's taking the kids on Wednesday, Friday for my class, and Sunday morning.

So, we're making progress.

I had an individual counseling session yesterday

October 01, 2009 by Adam in Adam

I had an individual counseling session yesterday. I'd been feeling a lot of sadness and regret, so I ended up talking to the counselor, hoping to get an outside opinion as to whether I should give up. In the end, the counselor pointed out that it takes two to want to be married, so I'm getting to the point where I'm accepting the situation.

Jamie and I have had some cordial conversations lately, which is positive. It's looking like we agree on a fair number of things, such as keeping the kids together and having houses close to each other. I'm even pretty sure we'll be able to divide up the things in our house without too much stress. The hard part remains the kids.

For the last few years, I've spent a lot of time with them in the evenings and on the weekends, so it's a scary thought thinking that might not be the case any more. I know that being around their mom is good for them, and I'll need time to figure out what my new life is supposed to be. Hopefully we can come up with something that works for everyone.

I'm still not doing great. I've got feelings of hurt and blame and anger swirling around - I wouldn't be human if I didn't. I'm going to keep that all out of this very public forum, though. If you want to know more, you'll have to ask.

My goal is that Jamie and I can get to a place of mutual respect and maybe even friendship some day. As I pointed out yesterday, it's like we're still married and have a lifetime of birthday parties, Christmases, and BBQs to attend. Being polite is a good starting point, but my hope is that we can enjoy each others company in the many years ahead.

Jamie and I came back from our first counseli...

September 24, 2009 by Adam in Adam

Jamie and I came back from our first counseling session and I'm feeling a little sad and nostalgic. We've both come to the conclusion that our marriage is over. It's still been less than a month for me, so it all seems like a huge whirlwind with barely time to adjust. I remember planning our future together, blissfully happy and feeling like such a lucky man to have so wonderful a family.

Now I'm ordering books on divorce that our counselor recommended. Jamie and I are having tension over the kids and possible future living arrangements. For now, I feel like I'm still stuck in a limbo of sorts. It's uncomfortable, but I realize that none of this will be resolved quickly.

There are bright spots here and there. Jamie's job prospects look reasonably good and she's getting organized to rejoin the workforce. Don't tell Emma, but she's getting an award at school tomorrow. I've assembled a veritable army of friends out of coworkers, old friends, gym buddies, and the occasional passer-by.

With every ending, there is a new beginning. Though Jamie and I have serious issues to work through, I hope we can be cordial about it. I want the kids to know that we both love them and they'll be okay in the future.

Time will tell.

Occasionally my work gets a little bit of loc...

September 16, 2009 by Adam in Adam

Occasionally my work gets a little bit of local press. The Register Guard reported on an application I wrote that shows what the current wait time is for the ED. Theoretically if someone had to decide which hospital to go to in an emergency, they could check my little web application.

To answer Sadie, I did a quick listen to both...

September 16, 2009 by Adam in Adam

To answer Sadie, I did a quick listen to both of her CD mixes. I cried on the way to work while listening to Sadie's. While driving home, I listened to Greg's and perked right up. "Fett's Vette" in particular really hit the spot.

Jamie and I were scheduled to have our first counseling session today. It went about as bad as humanly possible. Our counselor never showed, so Jamie and I went for a walk. Jamie emphasized once again that she doesn't want to be married and started talking about separation. That gets right to my deepest fears about having my kids taken away from me, so I ended up crying a lot. I'll see if I can find a new counselor tomorrow.

I can't believe it's only been three weeks and my entire life has changed.

Sadie sent along a care package, filled with ...

September 15, 2009 by Adam in Adam

Sadie sent along a care package, filled with wonderful trinkets and talismans: an old skeleton key, a small compass, and an iron nail. I read the book If You're Afraid of the Dark, Remember the Night Rainbow to Emma last night. While she did homework, I started cutting out the game pieces to the board game she sent. This morning I began getting the sourdough starter ready. Finally, there are two CDs that I'm bringing in the car today.

It was all very wonderful.

Jamie and I have our first counseling session together today. I do hope that Jamie isn't entirely decided about our future together. It's been hard finding time to talk with her, so I'm hopeful I can get a better sense of what's going on.

And like Sadie's book says, if there is no happy ending, make one out of cookie dough.

There's a new movie called "9" that's opening...

September 11, 2009 by Adam in Adam

There's a new movie called "9" that's opening this weekend. It has a post-apocalyptic stitchpunk vibe, with interesting visuals to match. I've heard mixed reviews, but I also hear it looks stunning.

In any case, I signed up for a contest to win a 9 gift package from the SciencePunk blog. It turns out, I won and the mysterious package should arrive next week.

I had to call up Sam and tell him the good news. Emma gave me a panda for luck a couple weeks ago and I told Sam that maybe it was starting to work. He agreed and went to tell Emma after hanging up.

I'm slowly figuring out my new cell phone, en...

September 06, 2009 by Adam in Adam

I'm slowly figuring out my new cell phone, entering the modern era. The number is 541-912-7415, in case you want to update your address book. It's a "pay as you go" phone, so I get charged for using it. Still, don't let that stop you from calling if you need to get ahold of me and can't find me at home or work.

By now, just about everyone is aware of what'...

September 01, 2009 by Adam in Adam

By now, just about everyone is aware of what's going on between Jamie and I. Even the kids know that something's up, as Jamie's gone most evenings and my mom let slip to Sam that we weren't getting along. I want to talk to Sam soon in more detail, though I put him off last night so I could talk to Jamie first.

This is all new to me. I had a sense that things weren't right about a week ago, ended up confronting Jamie, and she let me know she wasn't very attracted to me and wasn't sure she wanted to stay married. She asked for time and space, which I've been trying to give to her. She's out most evenings while I watch the kids.

If I had to give an extremely simplified version of what happened, my feeling is that we're both overachievers and focused far too hard on being great parents. I stopped being the fun, hang-out-and-do-things Adam that Jamie married. Jamie turned into a stay-at-home mom and every time I came home, wanted to get out of the house. The end result is that we weren't doing much as a couple and Jamie started to feel not very close to me.

I think there were also a lot of transitions happening. The kids are going to school full time soon, the first for Emma. No longer are there little kids in the house. Jamie's turning forty in a couple weeks. My sense is that all those things are bubbling up at once.

When I look back, I remember Jamie leaving hints here and there about wanting to spend more time together. I shifted some things around, but clearly not enough. One of my big frustrations is that it seems like it's too late now and she's not really interested in spending time together. If only I'd known months ago, I'd be happy to reevaluate everything.

It's been a hard week since then, with lots of tears, lack of sleep, and not really eating much. Feeling horrible comes with the territory, and it's usually just best to let it run its course. I've been feeling better lately, though I fully expect to slip back into sadness now and again.

That's in the past, though, and I'm focusing on next steps. I've been pulling together Team Adam, talking with friends and family all around. Odds are, if you're reading this and are in the area, I'm going to invite you to do something soon. Being around people helps immensely. I'm also dusting off the Take Charge Adam. For far too long, I've deferred to Jamie about social events and managing the kids. It feels good to plan things with friends and make decisions. Confidence is my new watchword, even if sometimes I have to fake it a little.

I'm seeing a counselor today, which I'm pretty excited about. Slowly getting there, wherever that may be.

Hello

August 23, 2009 by Adam in Adam

Hello. This is Adam.

Im testing speech recognition software. It's a little quirky and I bark out orders to my computer like a drill sergeant. Everything takes way too long. Considering that I'm using the built in microphone, it's not too bad. The coolest part is that it actually works.
I installed windows seven last night on my new net book. The user interface is very pretty and now I'm trying to test out some of the weirder new features. So far I'm impressed.

I have done a lot of project work this weekend. The windows on the shed are finished, the balcony is stained, the laundry is done, and I even managed to bake a chocolate cheesecake. It felt good to be done with all the summer project, especially the shed. I treated myself by buying a throw rug at Down to Earth. Hopefully Jamie likes it.

Everyone is coming back in an hour or so. The house is clean. I have dinner ready to go. After nearly a week in the house by myself, it will be good to see everyone again. Since they'll be here soon, I better stop talking to my computer try to remember what it's like to talk to a human being.

I turned in my pager yesterday

August 11, 2009 by Adam in Adam

I turned in my pager yesterday. We're phasing out after-hours support in order to safe money. Since the pagers also cost a little each month, there was a decision to get rid of that as well. I've been carrying a pager for over a decade, so it's rather freeing to no longer be responsible after I go home each day.

I'm also having a hard time adjusting to the time change. Last night around seven o'clock I was starting to nap on the couch. Plus I woke up bright and early at four this morning. Hopefully in a couple more days I'll adjust.

I did have a great run yesterday, my first in a couple weeks. I only ran four miles, as I was a little nervous, but I felt really good afterwards.

For some reason, Lady Luck was with me yesterday

May 19, 2009 by Adam in Adam

For some reason, Lady Luck was with me yesterday. In the morning, my manager wandered by and he'd won a bluetooth headset that he didn't really want. A coworker and I expressed interest, and I won the coin toss.

Later in the day, I discovered I won a copy of the "Plants versus Zombies" game from one of my favorite gaming sites. Emma really loves the game and she's excited to play.

I should have bought a lottery ticket.

As I was leaving the house this morning, I fo...

May 14, 2009 by Adam in Adam

As I was leaving the house this morning, I found a little salamander hiding under the door. I was so excited, I had to wake the kids up and show them.

I got a new shiny computer at work, which mak...

April 21, 2009 by Adam in Adam

I got a new shiny computer at work, which makes everything less frustrating. I think I'm nearly shifted over to the new one, my old computer looking a little sad on the corner of my desk. I'm especially enamored of the massive monitors, which are all the envy of my coworkers.

With the wonderful weather, I managed a run outside today. I've started listening to books on tape. In this case, it's an old set of Larry Niven short stories. I have fond memories of stealing Niven books from my dad's shelf as a kid. Even though I know them well, listening to them is like eating cereal. It's comforting.

I just had a really great time having a Skype...

February 01, 2009 by Adam in Adam

I just had a really great time having a Skype conversation with Sadie. We broke out the webcams and she gave me a tour of her house by carrying her laptop around. I can't believe I've been in the web business for all these years, but never actually used a webcam.

I'm going to try to do it again when I have the kids around. Sadie and I were predicting that Emma would spend the whole time kissing the camera.

I'm having some excitement with my ISP

January 15, 2009 by Adam in Adam

I'm having some excitement with my ISP. I tried to switch everything over last night and wasn't able to get adamandjamie.com up and working. I ended up switching everything back again. To top it off, I got a parking ticket yesterday due to not hanging up my yellow parking thingie on my mirror.

Fortunately today I went to my happy place. The parking ticket has been waived. I spoke with my ISP and we'll be working to resolve the issues momentarily. With luck, we'll only experience a little down time of the site.

Finally, my running has improved considerably. I haven't had any more headaches and have been able to go back to running pretty hard again. It's funny how just a couple weeks off can make such a huge difference.